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Discordian Eristocracy

What would a major world religion be without a ponderous hierarchy of pretentious titles to confuse, awe and madden the people with?

Reasonable, that’s what.

And we won’t stand for that kind of non-nonsense around here. Therefore, The Church of Pentaversal Discord (a phrase just coined, but applied retroactively so that it predates time) has put together a suitably ridiculous Chutes and Ladders-type hierarchy of Who May Do What to Whom. (There are those who would suggest that this has already been done adequately in the POEE Disorganizational Matrix, but as a member of a progressive belaboring union, I am unlawfully bound to suggest that such people get outta my face before I call for a walk-all-over and a picketting [which, in this context, very much resembles a staking {vampire-style}.])

At the bottom in this house of cards are, of course, the popes. It should be noted that every man, woman, child and platypus, living, dead or otherwise, is an honest-to-Goddess pope of Discordia, and thus infallible (you should go get your Pope Card).
You may think that this causes all sorts of trouble when popes disagree (and you’d be right; you’re a pope, after all), but you’d be wrong (I’m a pope too, you see). Actually, when popes disagree, it’s a Wonderful Thing because thereby is the Divine Humour of Eris brought to full fruition. By believing every sort of contradictory thing (individually and as a group), popes make these things True and Manifest (as opposed to True and Unmanifest), and thus bear forth the Great Joke.

Next up on the totem pole are the POEE (Paratheo-anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric [pronounced “poee”] chaplins, who have been ordained by reading Sacred Text (like this, for instance. Congratulations). Still higher than them are the POEE priests, ordained by Mal2 himself.

The pinnacles (“for pointy like unto a picket fence is the structure of the Church of Pentaversal Discord”) of Discordianism are the Episkopossum (whose titles are, after all, capitalized). They are the ones whose visions of Eris transcend what Is, forcing them to create something which Is Not but Will Be If You Just Relax and Wait for a Second (jeez, you’re pushy). They create their own Cabals (from the Hebrew “Kaballah,” or “collection of absurdities for the unenlightened to take seriously”), often with nifty names. Of course, since you’re a pope, you can decide that you, personally, are at the head of the Pentaversal Church and that chaplins are much more enlightened than priests (since they’ve gone to all the trouble of reading Sacred Text and ordaining themselves, while priests were ordained by someone else), and therefore all of this is a steaming heap of dung (even though it’s True), and you’d be right (but mistaken).


~Biblio Discordia



“Once you stop thinking in terms of either or…Well actually, nobody thinks in terms of either/or until they get involved in a political argument, or a theological argument. The people who know what’s true make up most of the human race.

They not only know what’s true, they know how to defeat everyone who is an agnostic…or anyone who recognizes some indeterminacy.

They get you trapped in an either/or game, and pretty soon you find yourself agreeing with something you never agreed to before. The way to resist that is the first time they bring up an either/or – stop them at that point and say ‘wait a minute I can think of three other choices’. If you can’t think of three other choices, buy all of my books right away! There is always more than one explanation, once you have five explanations then you can start estimating the probability on each one of them”

– Robert Anton Wilson

(Image: Robert Anton Wilson, by Pope Bobby Campbell)